News: STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break

From The Onion, of course. STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break PANAMA CITY, FL—Following a weeklong vacation in Florida, local sexually tr...

News: South Carolina Defends Right To Fly Hardee's Flag From State Capitol

From The Onion. South Carolina Defends Right To Fly Hardee's Flag From State Capitol COLUMBIA, SC—Faced with mounting pressure from cri...

News: Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance

From The Onion. Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance March 25, 2013 EVENSVILLE, TN—Accordin...

News: Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him

From The Onion. Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him LOS ANGELES—Saying that it would...

News: 450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture

From The Onion. 450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that...

Barber Just Latest In Long String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

From The Onion. Barber Just Latest In Long String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says Mar 1, 2013 BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources co...

News: Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Display For 35th Anniversary Edition

From The Onion. Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Disp...

Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder

From The Onion. Guy One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder PAWTUCKET, RI—Adopting the sagely demeanor of an all-kn...

News: Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

From The Onion. Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in t...

1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed

From The Onion. 1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed Jan. 28, 2013 HOLLYWOOD, CA—Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, a...

News: Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season

From The Onion. Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season Jan. 22, 2013 CHICAGO—Saying that he’s always up for having more...

News Of The Day: Christmas Mandolins

From The Onion. Thanks for the link, Amy Carey. Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas LONDON—Ac...

Commentary Of The Day: It's Funny, I've Actually Only Been To New Jersey A Couple Of Times by Bruce Springsteen

From The Onion. It's Funny, I've Actually Only Been To New Jersey A Couple Of Times by Bruce Springsteen When you think of Bruce Spr...

News: Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind

From The Onion. Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast ...

Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia

I knew it! From The Onion. BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hop...

News: Grandson Has Long Hair

From The Onion. Grandson Has Long Hair   "Like a Girl—He Has Girl Hair," Says GrandfatherROCKFORD, IL—Despite ostensibly being a b...

News Of The Day: Popeye's Home Boiglerized

From The Onion. Popeye's Home BoiglerizedSWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the priva...

News: Shitload of Math Due Monday

From The Onion. OLD BRIDGE, NJ—In what many are calling a complete bullshit move, Riverside High School algebra teacher Mrs. Trella, 34, as...

News: Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit

It's funny because it's true. From The Onion. Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside ...

News: Mom Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane

She worries, you know. From The Onion. Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane BOISE, ID—Calling to check ...